Survivor's Guilt

[Taivin Rashai]

It started the way it always did. The way it always had, each and every night since the death of his brother. He never really knew what he dreamed of, as it fled his mind within moments of awakening. But he knew it was chaotic. And that it tore at the wound in his soul, again and again. Each time the dream came, he woke with a start. Panic and grief were twin claws that constricted his chest, suffocating him.

Trying to sleep again, as Tai had learned in the months since he’d begun to have the nightmare, was an impossible goal. Even if his heart and breathing settled, with time, his mind never did. The same arguments, the same "what ifs" would roar through his thoughts like a raging inferno. Every waking moment reinforced his loss, his failure, because it was a constant reminder that he was still here, while his brother was not.

Physical movement helped, sometimes, to some degree. If he pushed himself until he was too tired to think.

If he had been back in Saldaea, it would have been easy enough to flee. Taking off into the rolling hills of his homeland, astride his fierce warhorse, would have been a sure remedy for anything that troubled him. But he wasn’t home. He was at the White Tower, sent away at his father’s command, because…Tai abandoned that train of thought, before he completed it.

He needed to move, to run, on these relentless, restless nights. Or his thoughts would run amok. Here, at the Tower, he had but a few of courses of action. During the day, he threw himself into training, driving himself hard and fast. But Taivin's primary source of comfort, his one tenuous grasp on sanity, was the one place where he could pretend that nothing had happened. At least for a little while.

Tai rose from his bed, the blankets disheveled from his nocturnal thrashing, and slipped stealthily out of the barracks. It was deep night yet, still several hours before the dawn, and therefore unlikely that anyone else was stirring. He crossed the training yards in mere moments, his destination being one of the long low buildings on the opposite side. As soon as he entered, he felt some of the tension leave his body. Secluded in the stables, enveloped in the sounds and smells of horses, straw, well-oiled leather, it was somehow easier to breathe.

One large head poked out from one of the stalls, uttering a soft nicker. Taivin let himself into Kiserai’s stall, burying his face in the stallion’s mane. The horse, for his part, held still; a steady, comforting presence. For several long minutes, Tai simply drank in the atmosphere, appreciating the calming influence it had on him. The stables had always been a sanctuary, whether back home or here. But with the calm, came the return of some measure of lucidity. And with that came the recurring question he had puzzled over in each of these moments.

Taivin still didn’t understand. Why he’d been sent here, so far away from home, when his family needed him the most. He had come, technically of his own volition, but really because he hadn’t been able to find the motivation to argue with his father. But he had no enthusiasm for his training here, beyond its usefulness in exhausting his physical strength.

Nor had he made any attempt to get to know anyone here, extreme even for his usual isolationism. There just didn’t seem to be any point. Tai wasn’t really living, after all. He was simply going through the motions, seeking anything and everything that would numb his emotions. Some small part of him knew he couldn't keep this up, that he was burning through his physical and mental stamina at a ferocious pace.

But the rest of him didn't care. It just hurt so much. And he was so, so tired of being in pain.

[Gareth Trakand]

One year. That was the length of time that had passed since Gareth had entered into the White Tower with Ishara. He still recalled his first day as a Gaidin Trainee as if it were only yesterday. The yard was full of other young men either facing off against each other or practice dummies. Some were his age while others were a mix of older and younger boys. A few Aes Sedai hung back against the south wall as they watched in amusement. They sat gossiping about their favorites and who they desired to bond with. Groomsmen and servants alike darted about in their tasks to ensure weapons had been sharpened and were where they belonged or that horses were walked and groomed. Whilst overlooking it all was a figure standing tall with pride: the Master of the Yard Galvin Menithil. He recalled how it all excited him, as well as how eager he was to improve upon his fighting skills and become the best swordsman they'd ever seen. Nothing had changed much since that day, other than Gareth acquiring a solid knowledge of how the Training Yard operated as well as to what his duties and responsibilities were.

With experience, skill, discipline, and impeccable manners already under his belt, he was being entrusted as a mentor to a new Trainee. From what he'd learned of the man, he was a Saldaean noble whose family bred, raised, trained, and sold horses. He was also the same age as Gareth, which he assumed was another reason Galvin assigned him to the task. Perhaps he hoped the two would hit it off together as friends or that they would have much in common because of their similar like titles. Regardless, Gareth would be responsible for aiding the man as well as keeping him in check... An apparent challenge as the 1st Prince was preparing for bed when he spotted the very same youth head towards the stables.

“Great... He's making a run for it before I've even had the chance to prove myself equal to the task of mentoring him!” grumbled the Prince in annoyed exasperation while he redressed himself.

The cool night breeze may have felt welcoming after the strenuous workout he'd put himself through that day if he wasn't so bitter at a man he'd yet to meet. But his pride, nay his honor, was at stake here if this Saldaean bolted. Hence he hastened his pace as he closed the gap between himself and the stables. Within minutes, Gareth found him within stroking the mane of a rather large stallion held in one of the many stalls. He assumed the animal was his but why he felt the need to visit his horse at this hour was beyond him. Thankfully it seemed that he wasn't planning to flee... But then what was he doing out here? Gareth supposed it could be a horse breeder thing that he didn't understand. Still, being kept from his bed did not sit well with him and he felt that he deserved answers.

“Excuse me....” Gareth flushed slightly as he awkwardly forgot the man's name. ‘Blood and bloody ashes... What is his name again? Thadious. No... Talon. Light blind me... Definitely not! What is his flaming name?!’

“Taivin isn't it?!” A satisfied grin crossed his features that he'd procured the correct name in the end before continuing on in a slightly irritated tone. “What are you doing out here in the stables so late?”

[Taivin Rashai]

Taivin didn't know how long he had stood there, his face buried in Kiserai's mane, struggling to achieve some sort of mental equilibrium. It didn't feel like a significant amount of time had passed, although Tai had been living in a bit of a fog these past few weeks. It was Kiserai, in fact, that first noticed the intruder. He felt the muscles in the stallion's neck stiffen, heard his tail swish rapidly once, then a second time, and glanced upwards to see his ears prick forward, in the direction of the doors. For him to be so intent on the new arrival meant it was unlikely to be a regular presence in the stables.

As the newcomer moved close enough to be visible from Tai's location, sequestered as he was behind Kiserai, this theory was confirmed. The young man looked vaguely familiar. That, and by virtue of his gender and attire, meant he was probably a fellow Trainee. As well as someone Tai did not have the patience to deal with at the moment. Then the other's words sank in. But it was the smile, that self-satisfied grin, that caused Tai's annoyance to flare into outright resentment. His upbringing precluded ever venting his building frustration on anyone in any position of authority, but this kid was in the same position as him.

What gave him the right to make demands? Now, Taivin was usually a sensible individual. He had needed to be, ever since his childhood, when he'd realized how his ability of foresight could so drastically affect his own future. Right now, however, his emotions were still in turmoil. Rationality was not a state of mind he had known in several months. His irritation was probably palpable, but Tai was beyond caring. And unfortunately for the newcomer, he was upset enough to forget something rather important. The horses bred by House Rashai were known for, amongst other things, being fiercely protective of their riders.

The specimen currently present also had, in the short amount of time since his arrival at the Tower, developed a reputation for being more than a little temperamental. And Kiserai had already picked up on his rider's aggravated state. The warhorse's ears flattened in warning, and he roughly shouldered his rider further behind him. Away from what he had determined to be the threat. Tai, for his part, had opened his mouth to retort, only to suddenly find several hundred pounds of horseflesh in the way. Too late, he realized his mistake, as Kiserai lunged over his stall, his teeth snapping shut inches from the other young man.

[Gareth Trakand]

The warhorse that Taivin had at his side was impressive to behold. Then again he expected nothing less from a Saldaean breed. Gareth had always desired to own a Saldaean horse but his father insisted he better his riding skills first. He supposed that was only fair after the event which had sent him and his sister here early. Still, despite his fall, he believed his abilities as a horseman were well enough to practice with a Saldaean beast. But he supposed he'd have to wait. Still, if he befriended Taivin during their time together as trainees, maybe he could convince the boy to grant him the opportunity... After all, it never hurt to dream right?!

Despite his typical perspective capabilities, Gareth did not take note of the warhorse shouldering his rider further behind him. Suddenly, the beast lunged over his stall as his teeth snapped shut inches away from Gareth's face. Shocked, the 1st Prince's arms flew up in a defensive pose as he got a second snap to the right shoulder.

“Blood and bloody ashes!”

As Gareth grasped his shoulder where the beast had bitten him, the aggressive whiny of his gray stallion was clear as a bell. The 2-year-old neighed grunted and stomped in protest within his stall. Hooves beat against the gate that held him within as the instinct to protect his master kicked in. The 1st Prince shot a glance down the row towards Alabak. With how much ruckus the beast was causing, it was surprising the Master of the Yard hadn't appeared to give them both a scolding.

“Alabak, calm down boy, I'm safe.”

He waved a reassuring hand towards the young stallion as he kept his eyes on the horse in front of him. Slowly, Gareth started backing up. He moved his hands out in front of him in a reassuring manner, in hopes to demonstrate to the beast that he meant no harm to him or his rider. Gareth had heard the other boy was quite the equestrian but he hadn't expected to be attacked by his horse. Until he practically had his back pressed up against the stall opposite of the stall the horse came from, did Gareth finally halt in his retreat. Once he had a clear line sight of his stallion and gave him another reassuring wave of his hand did Alabak finally settle down within his stall. There was a manner of relief found in that regard at least.

“Your horse is very loyal Taivin, and quite large.”

A decision was now required of him on what steps he needed to make going further. On one hand, he could leave the boy alone to his own devices and allow fate to decide if he'd have a mentee in the morning. But on the other hand, Gareth could practice a touch of civility, an act his mother would no doubt expect of him, and see how the other boy was doing. He took in a deep breath, then attempted to start over.

“I believe we've gotten off on the wrong foot here. My name is Gareth; I've been assigned as your mentor, and when I saw you come out here... Well, I only wanted to ensure that you were alright.”

[Taivin Rashai]

“Blood and bloody ashes!”

Shock, quickly followed by contrition, flushed any and all remaining irritation that may have plagued the young Saldaean. Taivin had spent his entire life around horses, many of them battle-trained. He was more comfortable around them than he was around people. Yet somehow he had managed to forget how dangerous they could be. Not to him, of course. He could read a horse’s mind and intentions as surely as if he were one himself. He knew better than to approach any stallion as casually as the stricken youth had. But he hadn’t realized how his ease around them could belie that danger to others.

And it was Kiserai that could pay the price for his mistake. Taivin slipped up by the stallion’s shoulder, placing one hand on his crest, another on his withers, coaxing the animal to step back. Kiserai’s ears were still flattened, his teeth bared. Thankfully, it seemed the other youth wasn’t completely daft when it came to horses, as he had begun to slowly back away as well. Once there was enough room, Taivin deliberately inserted himself between the horse and youth.

The stallion did not like that. He snorted in frustration and pawed the floor...but he didn’t try to move past his rider. Tai stood quietly, eye to eye, and waited. One minute slowly ticked by and then Kiserai nickered softly, yielding. The young man stroked the horse’s muzzle to show all was forgiven. Then he slipped out of the stall, latching the door firmly behind him. With one final look at the stallion, though Tai wasn’t sure if it was to reassure him or the horse, he stepped away and walked over to the other man. He stopped several feet away, gesturing at the other’s bleeding shoulder, his eyes planted firmly at the floor. He knew there was likely to be trouble, but if he could, he would spare his partner.

“I’m sorry for that, and I know I’m not really in the position to ask for one, but please don’t blame Kiserai. Any anger you may have, I ask that you direct at me. He just thought I needed protecting. So it’s my fault more than his.” It’s always my fault, when someone gets hurt.

“Your horse is very loyal, Taivin, and quite large.”

For the second time that night, Tai found himself so surprised that it washed away all other emotion. He was even startled enough to look up. And that allowed him to confirm what he hadn’t heard in the other’s voice. He wasn’t upset. Not even a little bit. Taivin frowned in puzzlement and his expression only deepened as the actual words registered. He looked around at the rest of the stable’s occupants, then back at his fellow trainee. “He’s not that large. I grant that he isn’t exactly small for a horse, but he’s barely sixteen and a half hands. That is on the taller side for a Saldaean mount, but he’s a warhorse, not a scout. His sire and dam are about the same...”

Abruptly realizing he was rambling, and that he hadn’t been asked for a lecture on horse sizes, Taivin held his tongue. His eyes dropped back to the floor and he mumbled a halfhearted apology before lapsing into an incredibly awkward, at least to him, silence. Taivin had always been a bit of a loner, even back before...but he nowfound himself at a complete and utter loss. He used to be able to talk to people though, when he had to. And he had needed to quite often, given his family's business. Evidently he was out of practice.

“I believe we've gotten off on the wrong foot here. My name is Gareth. I've been assigned as your mentor and when I saw you come out here...well, I only wanted to ensure that you were alright.”

“I’m fine.” Liar. “I just couldn’t sleep, is all." A half a beat later, Tai remembered his manners. "It's nice to meet you, Gareth, even if the situation was far from ideal. My name is Taivin, though you obviously know that already." A mentor, huh? Was that...normal? Tai couldn't recall hearing it mentioned before, but he was willing to admit he wasn't exactly the most alert trainee in the yard these days. The Master of the Yard, at least, was aware of his circumstances, the reason the Saldaean was here. Was this mentor thing because of that? And if so...how much had Gareth been told?

[Gareth Trakand]

Gareth’s eyes remained fixated on Taivin’s stallion until the other trainee was able to calm the beast and close him back into his stall. It brought the young Prince a small comfort but considering the horse had jumped his gate once already, he didn’t feel the most reassured. Still, the animal did appear calmer as Taivin apologized about Kiserai, as he learned was the stallions’ name, biting him. He could see the concern Taivin had for his horse written all over the man’s face. Gareth understood the bond a man can have with his horse, as he would have done the same for Alabak. So he flashed the youth a reassuring smile.

“I don’t blame you, sir, or Kiserai. He was protecting you, so how could I begrudge him for that?! As I said, he’s a loyal steed. And what more can a man ask for of his four-legged companion.” replied Gareth as he gave Alabak a loving pat.

The young royal intently listened as Taivin explained how Kiserai wasn’t that large compared to other Saldaean horses, and Gareth could only smirk at how much detail he shared. The boy had an evident passion for horses, but then again, he was Saldaean. Still, Gareth was jealous of Taivin’s experiences with Saldaean horses, as he’d always sought to own one for himself.

“It sounds as if Kiserai comes from quite the impressive lineage. I can only imagine how rewarding it must be to raise and work with such fine horses.”

Ripping the bottom edge of his shirt off, Gareth began to bandage his wound, but as he did, the youth winced from the pain. He wasn’t quite sure how he would explain the injury later, but Gareth wrapped it as well as he could for now. Maybe he’d claim one of the Training Yard stallions attacked him after he’d pushed the beast too far. That way, Gareth would be keeping his word to Taivin while also having his shoulder healed adequately.

“I’m fine. I just couldn’t sleep, is all.”

He raised a quirked eyebrow at the boy’s response. Although Taivin suggested the reason he was out here was lack of sleep, Gareth felt confident there was a more profound, hidden answer. He wanted to help the man assigned to him to mentor, but Gareth also barely knew Taivin. The solution seemed lost to him, so he decided to work slowly back up to the subject.

“I can understand that. I remember when I first came here, how strange and daunting this place can be. But you’ll soon adjust to the training, the schedule and start to befriend the other trainees. You can even start with me if you desire, I can tell you stories about my life, and you can tell me stories about yours. What do you say, Taivin?! I’m even willing to go first if it helps.”

From out of his pocket, Gareth pulled forth a couple of cookies he’d saved from supper to snack on later and offered one to Taivin. They’d have a bit of time before they’d need to head back in so nobody would notice they were missing, enough time hopefully to cheer this boy up.

“Well, first off, whether you knew this already or not, I grew up in the Palace at Caemlyn. My parents are Talana Trakand, Queen of Andor, and Prince Consort, Calyas Athaidhrin. My younger sister Ishara is currently a novice within these walls, and one day I shall serve as her Warder. My favorite hobbies are painting, drawing, sword fighting, and horseback riding. Oh, and when I was four years old, I painted one of the walls in the main hall. My mother was not too happy with me, let me tell you. Still, it was pretty funny to see the look on her face as she had to explain to a visiting lord why there was a mural on the wall of forest animals having a tea party with a mermaid in a desert. My mother punished me with having to scrub the wall clean and being sent to bed early, but about a week later, she bought me an easel and several canvases to express myself. It would not be the last time I’d receive the stern end of her tongue, but I know that everything she does is always in my best interest.” Gareth took a brief pause to enjoy his cookie before hitting the proverbial ball into Taivin’s court, “What about you Taivin, have you ever hilariously done something to upset your parents?”